The Day I was Diagnosed with having HIV
The time finally came and I was brought into a room with a two couches and chair. The door was closed. There were two girls: one Asian and one Caucasian. "Are you ready to see your results" the Asian girl asked in a calm demeanor. I replied yes. She then simply pulled out a plain manila folder, opened it, and lifted a neon green paper from the results and there it was. REACTIVE. I read for the first time ever in my life that I was HIV positive. I immediately went into shock and awe. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even have time to comprehend what was going on. Thoughts began racing through my head when one of the girls asked me if I was okay. Immediately I felt the whole world collapsing in on me. I saw the looks on their faces as they were sitting across me and they too were saddened, but it was nowhere near as disturbing as the look one of the girls had when I saw her walk out of the office as I was sitting in the waiting room. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to be rude and tell them to leave me alone but I couldn't. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. I had to be brave and show little emotion. They were complete strangers to me, yet they were there at one of the most shocking moments in my life. Very ironic. I bit my tongue and listened to what they had to say, took the referrals they gave me, and went off into the night broken, scared and worried about what the future had in store for me as someone who would have to live with HIV for the rest of my life.
It took me exactly 50 days to make my next major move. By then the shock had subsided and I had gotten the courage and strength to seek out medical care for the first time. Prior to that I spent many nights researching over the internet the subject matter of HIV/AIDS, the prognosis according to the World Wide Web did not look so great. I found myself in the same room and place as I was when I had the voice in my head telling me to get tested. It returned this time telling me to call and seek medical help. I was given a pamphlet for a youth clinic and a number when I was diagnosed and managed not to lose it. I called the number on the pamphlet made an appointment and the rest is history. I was immediately put on a HAART (highly active anti-retroviral therapy) regimen that has improved my overall heath. I take one pill every evening and continue to live my life but that day on December 14th, 2008 in Berkeley, California, has changed me forever.
Life for me at the present moment seems like a burden. I still have not come to terms with how to deal with the diagnosis. I am not sure when that day will be but I am looking forward to it. I am reminded of HIV every single night when I take the medication and suffer its side effects. Instead of wonderful evenings spent counting sheep on my Serta mattress, I spend the nights with extreme thirst, elevated body temperature and unusual dreams. It’s a constant reminder of my status. I am able to endure the side effects in the evening for a relatively normal side effect free day. I eagerly wait the day when I can accept my status and lift the burden from my shoulders. Until then I will deal with the hurt and sorrow HIV has brought onto my soul by taking it one day at a time.
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written by john, January 24, 2010
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written by Sonya Roberts, September 02, 2009
I am not POZ but my fiance was. He died but not from HIV. He was in an accident and did not survive. I want to tell you that I commend you on telling your story here. I also want to let you know that God does not allow anything to happen to any of us that we are not capable of bearing. In life we should live to the best of our ability. Using our experiences to educate others and help them to not make the same mistakes that we have so that they do not end up with the same results that we end up with. You telling your story will and seems to have already encouraged someone else. Your hurt can be someone else's help. Continue to be who you are and share who you are. Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Love yourself more than you love anything else in this carnal world. Most of all, learn to forgive God and love him more than you love yourself.
Sonya
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written by DS, August 26, 2009
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