THE BEST AND WORST BLESSING OF MY LIFE
I REMEMBER THAT DAY VERY CLEARLY IT WAS SEPTEMBER 2ND OF 2009. MY DOCTOR HAD JUST CALLED THE DAY BEFORE AND TOLD ME THAT I NEEDED TO COME IN BECAUSE HE NEEDED TO DISCUSS SOME THINGS WITH ME. TAKE NOTE I HAD JUST BEEN TOLD THAT MY MISCARRIAGE HAD BEEN CONFIRMED, WHICH IS THE REASON I HAD BLOOD WORK DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I NEVER IMAGINED FEELING SO EMPTY AND OUT OF PLACE LIKE I FELT THAT DAY AND AT THAT MOMENT THE THOUGHT OF LIFE BECAME MORE FAINT THAN IT USUALLY WAS. I HAD THE FEELING THAT I KNOW EVERYONE GETS AND THAT WAS THAT I WAS GOING TO DIE!! GETTING THAT NEWS I TRIED MY HARDEST NOT TO WALK OUT OF THE DOCTORS OFFICE IN TEARS, BUT REALITY WAS MORE REAL THAN BEFORE AND THAT WAS NEARLY AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK. I JUST KEPT THINKING \"IM 20 YEARS OLD, I HAVENT EVEN BEGUN LIVING MY LIFE YET.\" IT WAS SAD BUT THE MOST REAL STATEMENT I HAD EVER MADE TO MYSELF.
GOING HOME FOR ME WAS THE WORST BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND WAS HOME WAITING TO SEE WHAT THE NEWS WAS AS I WALKED IN THE HOUSE I TOOK A LOOK AT HIM AND BECAME SPEECHLESS.... THEY TOLD ME I AM HIV+. I CRIED BECAUSE AT THAT MOMENT I REALLY FELT LIKE I HAD GOTTEN IT FROM HIM AND I DIDNT KNOW HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY FORGIVE SOMEBODY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. WELL I DIDNT PLAY THE BLAME GAME BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHATEVER WAS TO HAPPEN. SO I BEGAN TRYING TO FIND A PLACE FOR HIM TO GET FREE HIV TESTING AND IT WASNT EASY, BUT I GOT IT DONE AND THE NEXT DAY WE BOTH WENT TO THE CLINIC TO GET TESTED. WELL THEY TOLD ME SINCE I HAD JUST TESTED POSITIVE I COULDNT BE TESTED AGAIN WHICH MADE ME SAD BECAUSE TIL THIS DAY IM STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
SO THEY JUST REFERRED ME TO A COUNSELOR WHO WAS VERY HELPFUL AND TWO WEEKS LATER I BEGAN COUNSELING FOR A FIVE WEEK SESSION. IM GOING ON THE FOURTH WEEK AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE IVE MET PEOPLE LIKE ME, WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD KIDS, AND IVE TALKED WITH THEM ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES WITH THE DISEASE. NOW I AM THE YOUNGEST BUT STILL I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THEM. IT HAS HELPED ME IN THE FEW WEEKS IVE BEEN ATTENDING IVE GOTTEN EDUCATED SINCE MY POSITIVE RESULTS, CRIED A LOT, HATED MYSELF, WONDERED WHY A THOUSAND TIMES, AND WISHED THAT MY LIFE WOULD COME TO AN END. MEANWHILE, WITH EACH DAY IVE AWAKEN IVE STARTED TO TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME, TRY TO FIND GOOD THINGS TO BE HAPPY TO HAVE IN MY LIFE, AND TRYING TO COPE WITH ALL THIS.
I MUST SAY AFTER ALL THAT MY BOYFRIEND ENDED UP TESTING NEGATIVE LEAVING ME MORE IN THE BLUE THAN EVER BEFORE AND I WAS FACED WITH A NEW CHALLENGE OF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO GAVE IT TO ME. I MUST ADMIT THAT\'S REALLY HARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW, BUT I KNOW IT HAS TO BE DONE. I JUST PRAY EVERYDAY THAT I CONTINUE TO HAVE GOOD HEALTH, EDUCATE MYSELF, LIVE, LOVE, BE HAPPY, AND ONE DAY HAVE THE CHILD I DIDNT GET TO HAVE YET. ITS A NEW CHALLENGING JOURNEY FOR ME AND MY BOYFRIEND, WHO STATED THAT HE WAS GOING TO STILL BE WITH ME REGARDLESS OF MY STATUS. IM SMILED, BUT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I CANT HELP BUT WONDER HOW THINGS WILL END TO BEGIN SOMETHING BRAND NEW? THANKS FOR LISTENING!!
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