The Day I was Diagnosed with having HIV
December 14th, 2008. Alone and anxious, I sat in the waiting room of the Berkeley Free Clinic awaiting the results of an HIV test I had just taken.The room was crowded with people from all walks of life and the mood was one of desperation. I wasn't too worried, but instead very uncomfortable. In the four hours I spent there I had smelled someone’s horrible breath, received two shots, one in each butt cheek and was pricked with a needle. Not my idea of a relaxing Sunday ten days before Christmas. While I was waiting a girl, I forget her name. Entered the waiting room with this very disturbing look on her face. I knew whatever she had to tell me was not good, but I sat there waiting to be called, moments away from the news that would change my life forever.
The time finally came and I was brought into a room with a two couches and chair. The door was closed. There were two girls: one Asian and one Caucasian. "Are you ready to see your results" the Asian girl asked in a calm demeanor. I replied yes. She then simply pulled out a plain manila folder, opened it, and lifted a neon green paper from the results and there it was. REACTIVE. I read for the first time ever in my life that I was HIV positive. I immediately went into shock and awe. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even have time to comprehend what was going on. Thoughts began racing through my head when one of the girls asked me if I was okay. Immediately I felt the whole world collapsing in on me. I saw the looks on their faces as they were sitting across me and they too were saddened, but it was nowhere near as disturbing as the look one of the girls had when I saw her walk out of the office as I was sitting in the waiting room. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to be rude and tell them to leave me alone but I couldn't. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. I had to be brave and show little emotion. They were complete strangers to me, yet they were there at one of the most shocking moments in my life. Very ironic. I bit my tongue and listened to what they had to say, took the referrals they gave me, and went off into the night broken, scared and worried about what the future had in store for me as someone who would have to live with HIV for the rest of my life.
It took me exactly 50 days to make my next major move. By then the shock had subsided and I had gotten the courage and strength to seek out medical care for the first time. Prior to that I spent many nights researching over the internet the subject matter of HIV/AIDS, the prognosis according to the World Wide Web did not look so great. I found myself in the same room and place as I was when I had the voice in my head telling me to get tested. It returned this time telling me to call and seek medical help. I was given a pamphlet for a youth clinic and a number when I was diagnosed and managed not to lose it. I called the number on the pamphlet made an appointment and the rest is history. I was immediately put on a HAART (highly active anti-retroviral therapy) regimen that has improved my overall heath. I take one pill every evening and continue to live my life but that day on December 14th, 2008 in Berkeley, California, has changed me forever.
Life for me at the present moment seems like a burden. I still have not come to terms with how to deal with the diagnosis. I am not sure when that day will be but I am looking forward to it. I am reminded of HIV every single night when I take the medication and suffer its side effects. Instead of wonderful evenings spent counting sheep on my Serta mattress, I spend the nights with extreme thirst, elevated body temperature and unusual dreams. It’s a constant reminder of my status. I am able to endure the side effects in the evening for a relatively normal side effect free day. I eagerly wait the day when I can accept my status and lift the burden from my shoulders. Until then I will deal with the hurt and sorrow HIV has brought onto my soul by taking it one day at a time.
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written by nommy, February 25, 2010
Wishing you all the best and hope that one day you will be in a better head space.
From South ASfrica
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